A little heart to heart
Speaking of being sick, I had a little epiphany tonight that I thought I'd share.
Two weeks ago, I got really sick, out of nowhere. So sick, they had to give me a shot of rocephin in my tush. That's like injecting peanutbutter into your flank -- so painful! I had forgotten how much those shots hurt. When I was little, I used to get strep throat and tonsillitis all the time, and several times each year I would get a shot of penicillin in my backside. I hated it.
What I hated even more, though, was having those sore throats. I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I couldn't swallow. Even breathing in and out hurt. It was awful. In the very worst moments, I would try to soothe myself by remembering what it felt like when my throat didn't hurt. I tried. I couldn't do it. I recall the frustration of knowing that there existed a condition in which my throat was not raw and shredded and swollen and miserable, but I couldn't recall it. I couldn't even imagine it.
Then, several days after the peanutbutter-in-the-flank torture, the pain would just be gone. By the time I was aware my throat didn't hurt any more, it was actually a little bit hard to remember just how much pain I had been in. Maybe what I had was a memory problem ....
So, tonight as I sat in the Addiction Recovery Program meeting, which we prefer to call the Atonement Recognition Program meeting, we read step 6. Step 6 is about experiencing a change of heart, about letting go of the habits and attitudes that are holding us down, or trapping us, or bringing us pain. Sometimes when we talk about this step, and this is the fifth or sixth time we've covered it in the eighteen months of our service mission as group leaders, there's a cloud of desperation in the room.
It's frustrating to have come so far in the program, to have stopped certain behaviors or separated ourselves from people and situations that enable our addictions, and then come to the realization that despite our progress, we're still dealing with an appetite for the substances, or negative behaviors, or the attitudes that we're trying to give up. It can feel overwhelming and exhausting to think that for the rest of our lives, we're going to have to choose to live one way when our heart wants to live another way. We can make our bodies stop, but we haven't figured out yet how to stop the hunger. Maybe we can't even imagine what it might feel like to not want our addiction. Maybe our throats have been sore for so long, we can't remember what it feels like to swallow without suffering.
The thing is, the day will come! If we keep trying and working at it, the pain will end. The hunger will stop. The craving will fade. And we won't feel it anymore. I know.
I didn't learn this by giving up cigarettes or alcohol. For me it was something else; probably not very impressive to most people, but there was a negative philosophy that I let get a grip on my heart and it impacted every aspect of my life. When I finally admitted I had a problem, it took years for me to let go of it. I prayed every day for that change of heart and I kept trying to figure it out every time I failed - which was often! I let go of some bad stuff I was hanging onto. I got busy doing other things instead of feeding my negative hunger. I got so busy that eventually, I actually kind of forgot about it.
And one day I woke up and realized that that part of me was gone. It didn't hurt. It didn't control me. It just didn't exist inside me anymore. I could see where it had been. I knew intellectually what it had been like, but it was gone. Just like my sore throat. I can't really remember what it felt like to be emotionally trapped by that attitude any more.
So tonight I just wanted to say, if you're hurting and feeling hopeless; if you want to be healthy and whole again, if you can't imagine what it would look like or feel like to be free from the hurts and the hungers that seem to be controlling you ... keep at it. You can do it. We can do it. Maybe we'll always be addicts. I know that sometimes I still flinch at the triggers that used to send me spiraling downward, wrapped up in those angry, self-destructive thoughts and feelings, but I see them now as if from the inside looking out on an old scenario that doesn't fit in my world any more. Those destructive drives won't always be our strongest motivators. The day will come.
And the change of heart? Don't worry, we don't have to do it alone. As a matter of fact, we can't. We're not going to change our hearts ourselves. We're going to experience the change of heart, not orchestrate it. We can change our environment. We can change our behaviors. We can even work on changing our attitudes. But the heart? What changes the heart is bigger than any of us. When we let go of the notion that we're in control of everything, we discover that Christ can do more with us than we ever imagined. We can do the prep work, but He's the one that brings the mighty change of heart.
We just have to get out of His way and let Him in.
Two weeks ago, I got really sick, out of nowhere. So sick, they had to give me a shot of rocephin in my tush. That's like injecting peanutbutter into your flank -- so painful! I had forgotten how much those shots hurt. When I was little, I used to get strep throat and tonsillitis all the time, and several times each year I would get a shot of penicillin in my backside. I hated it.
What I hated even more, though, was having those sore throats. I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, I couldn't swallow. Even breathing in and out hurt. It was awful. In the very worst moments, I would try to soothe myself by remembering what it felt like when my throat didn't hurt. I tried. I couldn't do it. I recall the frustration of knowing that there existed a condition in which my throat was not raw and shredded and swollen and miserable, but I couldn't recall it. I couldn't even imagine it.
Then, several days after the peanutbutter-in-the-flank torture, the pain would just be gone. By the time I was aware my throat didn't hurt any more, it was actually a little bit hard to remember just how much pain I had been in. Maybe what I had was a memory problem ....
So, tonight as I sat in the Addiction Recovery Program meeting, which we prefer to call the Atonement Recognition Program meeting, we read step 6. Step 6 is about experiencing a change of heart, about letting go of the habits and attitudes that are holding us down, or trapping us, or bringing us pain. Sometimes when we talk about this step, and this is the fifth or sixth time we've covered it in the eighteen months of our service mission as group leaders, there's a cloud of desperation in the room.
It's frustrating to have come so far in the program, to have stopped certain behaviors or separated ourselves from people and situations that enable our addictions, and then come to the realization that despite our progress, we're still dealing with an appetite for the substances, or negative behaviors, or the attitudes that we're trying to give up. It can feel overwhelming and exhausting to think that for the rest of our lives, we're going to have to choose to live one way when our heart wants to live another way. We can make our bodies stop, but we haven't figured out yet how to stop the hunger. Maybe we can't even imagine what it might feel like to not want our addiction. Maybe our throats have been sore for so long, we can't remember what it feels like to swallow without suffering.
The thing is, the day will come! If we keep trying and working at it, the pain will end. The hunger will stop. The craving will fade. And we won't feel it anymore. I know.
I didn't learn this by giving up cigarettes or alcohol. For me it was something else; probably not very impressive to most people, but there was a negative philosophy that I let get a grip on my heart and it impacted every aspect of my life. When I finally admitted I had a problem, it took years for me to let go of it. I prayed every day for that change of heart and I kept trying to figure it out every time I failed - which was often! I let go of some bad stuff I was hanging onto. I got busy doing other things instead of feeding my negative hunger. I got so busy that eventually, I actually kind of forgot about it.
And one day I woke up and realized that that part of me was gone. It didn't hurt. It didn't control me. It just didn't exist inside me anymore. I could see where it had been. I knew intellectually what it had been like, but it was gone. Just like my sore throat. I can't really remember what it felt like to be emotionally trapped by that attitude any more.
So tonight I just wanted to say, if you're hurting and feeling hopeless; if you want to be healthy and whole again, if you can't imagine what it would look like or feel like to be free from the hurts and the hungers that seem to be controlling you ... keep at it. You can do it. We can do it. Maybe we'll always be addicts. I know that sometimes I still flinch at the triggers that used to send me spiraling downward, wrapped up in those angry, self-destructive thoughts and feelings, but I see them now as if from the inside looking out on an old scenario that doesn't fit in my world any more. Those destructive drives won't always be our strongest motivators. The day will come.
And the change of heart? Don't worry, we don't have to do it alone. As a matter of fact, we can't. We're not going to change our hearts ourselves. We're going to experience the change of heart, not orchestrate it. We can change our environment. We can change our behaviors. We can even work on changing our attitudes. But the heart? What changes the heart is bigger than any of us. When we let go of the notion that we're in control of everything, we discover that Christ can do more with us than we ever imagined. We can do the prep work, but He's the one that brings the mighty change of heart.
We just have to get out of His way and let Him in.
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